I Want To Touch You
by ceryna
Summary: AU HikaAkiAkiHika romancedrama. Spoilers. Hikaru wants to be wanted for his own sake.
1. I Always Thought The Way You Talked

I should start this by saying that I always begin a fic like this with the best of intentions...you know..."I will update this regularly!" "I will write at least one chapter a week!" "I will not get discouraged and give up!" but time passes and I need a kick in the pants to get moving. I have a wonderful beta reader, so hopefully this will be an enjoyable and successful story. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the plot, and I hope that my approach will be somewhat original, and that AkiHika/HikaAki shippers everywhere will get the warm fuzzies from reading it. The title of this fic is from one of my favorite songs, "I Want To Touch You" by Catherine Wheel. Aside from the fact that I love the song and I like to think about Hikaru and Akira touching each other (*nosebleed*), the song has absolutely nothing to do with the story. This isn't a songfic. 

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I owned HikaGo, Hikaru and Akira would snog nonstop. 

This will be AkiHika/HikaAki. Boy/Boy love. Lime-ish at times, with a possibility of alternate lemon chapters in another location so that I'm in compliance with the FF.net guidelines. Don't like, don't read. 

Uh, **spoilers**. I started writing this not long after watching episode 65. After the events of episode 63, it sort of wanders off into AU-land, but read at your own risk! 

If you would like to share constructive comments and/or criticism, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I ignore flames, so don't waste your time. 

Thoughts are in italics. Flashbacks will be labeled as such. Japanese terms are also in italics. 

Thanks to my beta, Sakurayuki, for doing such a great job! 

**Chapter One - I Always Thought The Way You Talked Was Neat**

*pa-chi* 

*pa-chi* 

*pa-chi* 

He knelt before the _goban_, mindlessly recreating one of Shuusaku's games. Normally, the familiar feel of the stones sliding against his fingers as he dipped them into the _go ke_ was reassuring. The pattern of black and white would seem senseless to anyone who did not study the age-old game of strategy, but as of late, it had been even more meaningful. Hikaru had discovered that he could feel Sai's presence in his go. His initial elation had faded, however, when Hikaru realized that while he could feel the gentle warmth of the spirit's presence, he could not converse with his old friend, or confide in him as he occasionally had. 

  
True, Sai had been obsessed with go.   
True, Hikaru wasn't much of an in-touch-with-one's-emotions type of guy.   
True, most of their dialogue had pertained to the game that had consumed them both. 

Nevertheless, Hikaru, for all his rapid growth as a go player, was still a growing teenage boy. And Sai, for all that he was an incorporeal being held back from the heavens by pure love of the game, was still the one who had dwelt in the corner of his mind. It was natural to confide in Sai. He could trust the spirit, not just because Hikaru was the only one with whom Sai could communicate, but because, despite their squabbles, they trusted each other. 

Go brought Sai back to Hikaru to a limited extent, but it did not return his confidante. 

His knuckles whitened as he gripped his knees, fingers clenching with suppressed emotion. The entire game was laid out before him, every stone meticulously and perfectly placed in the right position as dictated by the _kifu_ Hikaru had memorized the night before. For a moment, he stared dully at the stones, remembering the sound of Sai's voice explaining the purpose of a particular move and how it tested the strength of an opponent. 

"Hikaru! Come downstairs for dinner!" 

The next morning arrived, rain-soaked and dreary. In the background, Hikaru's mother fussed over his lack of breakfast as he slung his bag over his shoulder and pulled up the hood of his jacket, making a bee-line for the door. The sidewalk was slippery with moisture, but he ran anyway, desperate to avoid being late for his match. The young pro's string of losses by default was going to come to an end. 

The inside of the Institute was warm, and a gust of air puffed gently against Hikaru's face as he pushed through the door, flinging the sopping fabric of his hood away from his hair in a careless gesture. The blond bangs were plastered to his forehead, and he shook his head like a dog, ignoring the dirty look from the older man who was carefully placing his umbrella in the receptacle. Moments later, his shoes had been placed in the cubby and Hikaru was settled in front of the goban staring across at the two-dan he would be playing in this match. Across the room, Waya glanced over surreptitiously, flashing a quick grin at his younger friend. 

He responded with a half-smile, his attention already focused on the grid in front of him. The match may not have started, but his fingers were itching for the feel of the stones, and his mind was already running through a half-dozen possible opening moves. The buzzer sounded, signaling the start of the match. 

_I have to win this match..._

Hikaru reached into the go ke, drawing out a black stone and shifting it in his fingers without conscious thought before laying it on the board firmly. 

_Yes, I'll win._

The two-dan sent one last bemused look at the wet and bedraggled boy in front of him before responding, and for awhile, there was nothing but the familiar sound of stones against wood. 

"I resign." 

Hikaru thanked his opponent and began clearing his stones, ignoring the odd looks the other man was sending his way. He was used to being underestimated. When the last stone had been removed from the board and each container was neatly replaced on top, he rose, looking around the room for a familiar dark green head. 

_I haven't seen Touya since that day he came to school, looking for me. He was so mad...he'd better not forget that I'm his eternal rival!_

But it was entirely possible that the other boy had given up on him during his absence from the go world. A string of losses like that...to someone like Touya Akira, it must have been incomprehensible. 

_I guess he's already gone._

"Shindou! You're here!" 

Waya grinned, punching the smaller boy on the shoulder before dragging him out of the match room towards the vending machine. 

"You won today?" 

"Yeah. You?" 

"Yeah." 

An awkward silence seemed to hang between them, and Hikaru scuffed his slipper-clad feet against the shiny floor tiles. 

"So, are you gonna to come back to Sensei's study sessions?" 

"I dunno...you said he was seriously pissed. Maybe he doesn't want me to come back..." 

The redhead threw one arm behind his back and drained his can of coffee. 

"Yeah, he was pretty mad. But you could come back and apologize, you know? I think he'd let you come back. He liked you being there." 

"Maybe." 

"Listen, Shindou...I don't know why you quit. But you're back, and we're friends, right? So let's go get some lunch." 

Hikaru nodded, following along with Waya. You didn't have to be exceptionally perceptive (which he was not) to tell that the other boy was trying to "get back to old times". The trouble was that those times were over, in Hikaru's mind. He needed something to get out of this rut...something to spur him on and energize him. In the past, he had always turned to his rivalry with Touya, but that rivalry would always be tainted with the fear that Akira was really chasing Sai, not Hikaru. 

And more than anything else, Hikaru wanted to be acknowledged for himself, not for Sai. 

_He was my friend...but he wasn't me. Isn't me. I want someone to want me for me._

...tbc... 

So, opinions? 

Lyrics for your reading pleasure: 

I Want To Touch You, by Catherine Wheel 

  
I always thought the way you talked was neat   
And I dreamed that when you speak, you speak to me   
But you're always out of reach   
And I can't control my speech   
And I'm scared that when we meet, I'll want to touch you 

  
I want to touch you   
I want to touch you   
I want to touch you   
I want to touch you 

  
You're the only soul inside that makes me shake   
And the crazy senseless things you make me take   
It would really make my day   
If you'd only move away   
'Cause I'm scared that if you stay, I'll want to touch you 

  
I want to touch you   
I want to touch you   
I want to touch you 

  
But you're always out of reach   
And I can't control my speech   
And I'm scared that when we meet   
I'm fermenting, can't you see 

  
I want to touch you   
I want to touch you   
I want to touch you   
I want to touch you   
I want to touch you   
I want to touch you   
I want to touch you   
I want to touch you   
Touch you, touch you, touch you, touch you, touch you 


	2. And I Dreamed

So here we are with Chapter Two. First, I'd like to thank all my lovely reviewers for being so encouraging and supportive about this fic. I'll acknowledge you all individually at the end of this chapter. ^_^ 

I'm a little concerned about consistency. I'm an anime purist, and I believe that since anime is made in Japan, by the Japanese, where the language they speak is...Japanese...that my fanfic should not be "westernized". So I felt odd about referring to Hikaru's mother as Shindou-san, perhaps because I'm used to Hikaru being referred to in that way. In any event, I've kept the inclusion of "fangirl Japanese" to a minimum, and I've italicised any Japanese terms that do pop up. 

The rough draft of Chapter Three is done, I just need to send it off to my beta. Depending upon when it's convenient for her to look it over, I hope to have Chapter Three up sometime next week. She was very prompt in returning this chapter to me, I was just slow about prepping it to be uploaded, hehe. Anyway, please enjoy, and thanks for reading. 

Now for all the blah-blah repetitive stuff: 

This will be AkiHika/HikaAki. Boy/Boy love. Lime-ish at times, with a possibility of alternate lemon chapters in another location so that I'm in compliance with the FF.net guidelines. Don't like, don't read. 

Uh, **spoilers**. I started writing this not long after watching episode 65. After the events of episode 63, it sort of wanders off into AU-land, but read at your own risk! 

If you would like to share constructive comments and/or criticism, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I ignore flames, so don't waste your time. 

Thoughts are in italics. Flashbacks will be labeled as such. Japanese terms are also in italics. 

Thanks to my beta, Sakurayuki, for doing such a great job! 

**Chapter Two: And I Dreamed That When You Speak, You Speak To Me**

With a gusty sigh, Hikaru swiped a dusty rag across his sweaty forehead. He slumped on the floor in his now empty room, staring balefully at the box that rested in the center of the floor, flaps spread wide. 

_The tape, the tape…where's the tape?_

"Akari! Where's the tape? D'ya have it?" 

Footsteps approached, and Hikaru muttered under his breath about annoying tape-stealing girls before thrusting his hand out, palm up, as he waited expectantly for the roll of masking tape to be placed in his grasp. 

It was not Akari. 

"Hikaru…your game board is in the car now…" 

"Oi, Mom. I thought you were Akari." 

The boy looked up sheepishly, then rose from his spot on the floor and toyed with the flaps on the box, stroking the cardboard with callused fingers. 

"Hikaru," His mother began uncertainly, "Are you sure about this? About moving out? Wouldn't you rather stay home with your father and me?" 

The boy groaned. "Mom, I told you, I want to live closer to the Go Institute. I'm not going to school anymore and I'm a pro now." 

"Shindou Hikaru!" The uncertainty was replaced with reproach. "Just because you're a pro doesn't mean that you can't live at home where you belong! Do you really make enough money with that game to live on your own? What if you get tired of it? You should stay home and go to high school. You've been accepted at Yotsubadai! It's a good school!" 

"Augh! Mom, I won't get tired of playing go, and Yotsubadai isn't that great. I only took the entrance exam because you made me," he replied sullenly. 

_She just can't understand…she doesn't want to understand! Sai never got tired of playing go. He even hung around after he died 'cause he loved playing so much. I want to play, always. I can play for him…at least. And for me. _

Mrs. Shindou sighed. "I'm concerned about your future, Hikaru. Isn't that what a mother does? Worry about her children? Your decision to move out is so sudden…I think there's more to it than just wanting to be closer to that institute." 

_This is where we played. The go ban was right there, and he knelt…there. It's weird. I miss him so much, but I don't want to be in the place where we played. I have to make new memories…_

"It's nothing, Mom. Really." He replied, quietly. 

Mrs. Shindou opened her mouth to say more, but Akari chose that moment to come bounding into the room. 

"Hikaru! Here's the tape! I took it downstairs so I could wrap your goban up in bubble wrap before we put it in the car." 

"Thanks," mumbled Hikaru, avoiding eye-contact with his mother. 

"Um, am I interrupting something? I can go back downstairs if you want…" 

The girl trailed off, unnerved by the tension hanging between Hikaru and his mother. 

"No, Akari-chan, it's all right. I'll go downstairs and prepare some _bento_ for the two of you to take to Hikaru's new apartment. You'll want lunch before you start unpacking." 

Hikaru glanced down, guiltily, not wanting to see the false smile his mother had surely pasted on. Her voice only sounded brittle and overly cheerful like that when she was trying to conceal something…in this case, how hurt she was. 

Akari glanced from mother to son, thinking. She wanted to ask Hikaru to let her go with him to the Go Institute for his next match, but he would never agree without his mother to pressure him into it. However, with the tension she could sense between the two, she realized that her plan might not work. 

"Ne, Hikaru…can I come along next time you go to the Institute, please? I want to see a pro match!" 

Mrs. Shindou stopped in the doorway, obviously waiting to hear her son's answer to the girl's question. 

"_Mou_, Akari…why do you want to do a thing like that? You already make me play tutoring games with you all the time!" 

"It's not 'all the time'! You haven't played a tutoring game with me for over a month!" "Yeah, and I only agreed to do that so you'd help me move!" 

Hikaru's mother couldn't help but crack a smile at the way the two were squabbling. Akari might be interested in go, but she seemed to be Hikaru's only real link with the world outside of the game. The girl's friendship was important for her son, even if he wouldn't admit it. He was often short-tempered with the girl, and he didn't seem to feel quite the same way for her as she did for him, but her stubborn son wasn't likely to want to give up a friendship that had lasted as long as theirs had. Mrs. Shindou, of course, hadn't given up on the idea that her son might mature one day and realize how much Akari liked him and return her feelings. She would be a nice addition to the family. And the grandchildren would be very cute… 

Hikaru's mother smiled to herself. The cheerful girl had lightened the mood in the room, and while the issue had not been resolved, it might not be a bad thing to just try to keep things pleasant with Hikaru on his last afternoon at home. There would be plenty of time in the future to broach the subject again, and it wasn't like he couldn't move back home if he got tired of living on his own. 

"Hikaru, you should let Akari go with you," Mrs. Shindou interjected, lightly. 

"Moooommmm," Hikaru moaned, uttering a long-suffering sigh. 

Mrs. Shindou tapped one finger against her cheek for a moment, thoughtfully. "You played with her so that she would help you move, right? Why don't you agree to let her go with you to the Institute to repay her for helping you unpack?" 

"Oh, that's a good idea, Mrs. Shindou!" Akari beamed. 

"Not fair! Two against one!" He protested, loudly. 

Akari stuck her tongue out at Hikaru, winking. 

"Okay, okay. My next match is on Tuesday. You can go with me then. But you have to help me unpack today!" 

"Yes! You have to keep your promise, though!" 

"Yeah, yeah," he grumbled. 

The girl giggled, and then tossed the tape to Hikaru. 

"I'm going to go help your mom with the _bento_ while you take that box downstairs!" "Girls." Hikaru groaned to himself. "They're impossible." 

Hikaru slammed the trunk closed, resting his hands on the hot metal for a moment before swiping his face with the dusty rag again. His mother stood in the doorway to the house, _bento_ in her hands, while Akari knelt on the front passenger seat, adjusting a carton in the backseat. The boy turned to face the house, gazing up at the window to his old room, where he'd often sat to make the most of the evening breeze while chatting with Sai. He'd been afraid that Sai had flown out that very window when he first disappeared. 

The young pro colored with embarrassment at that memory. He'd been so distraught, running around town, searching for the ghost. What had Kawai-san thought of his impromptu trip to Innoshima? Surely the older man had wondered what was going on with his young friend. 

_Maybe I should go by and see Kawai-san sometime soon. I haven't been there in months…it was before Sai left…before I took a break from playing…_

"Hikaru?" 

He glanced up to see his mother standing in front of him, hands now empty. Akari had gratefully accepted the bento and now sat in the front seat of the car with them held securely in her lap. 

"You have…a smudge on your face, Hikaru." 

Mrs. Shindou reached out with the hem of her apron to wipe it away, fighting back tears. She hadn't hugged her son in a long time…her loving little boy had become a prickly teenager who disliked displays of affection. She stared at him, into his green eyes, identical to his father's. Her husband was a well-paid salaryman, who worked hard to keep his family living in a nice home in a nice neighborhood. The downside to this was that he worked anywhere from seventy to eighty hours a week. All throughout Hikaru's childhood, it had been just the two of them…and now her baby was moving away to an apartment of his own. 

She stopped trying to fight the tears and let them well up and spill onto her cheeks. Hikaru looked surprised, then guilty, and finally, understanding. He pulled her into a gruff hug. 

"It's okay, Mom. It's not like you'll never see me again. I'll probably come over for dinner all the time. Can you imagine me cooking for myself?" 

She chuckled. Her son had definitely not inherited her cooking abilities. Heating water for instant ramen was about all he could handle, and even that simple task was fraught with potential peril. The image of a nonstick pan that he'd placed in the microwave came to mind, and she smiled. The smell of melted plastic had filled the kitchen and permeated the house for two full days afterward. After the pot's untimely demise, Hikaru had been banned from the kitchen when she wasn't present, and restricted to raiding the refrigerator and cupboards for snacks that didn't require cooking, even when she was there to supervise. He would have to come home for any kind of decent meal. She stepped away from him, dabbing her own face with the apron. 

"Let me just take this off and put it in the house, and then I'll drive you two over." 

"Thanks Mom." 

As it happened, there was not enough room in the car for Hikaru, Akari, Mrs. Shindou, plus all of his belongings, so Hikaru was left to his own devices. If he ran, he could probably catch the bus and get to his new building only a little after the two women. With this thought in mind, he jogged towards the station. 

...tbc... 

So that's Chapter Two. Thoughts? 

Thanks to the following reviewers: 

  
zeynel: Thanks for reviewing. Here's more! ^_^   
Kamitra: Thanks, I hope you keep reading. ^_^   
Demon-master: Uh...keep that chainsaw away from me... ;-; AkiHika is coming SOON! ^____^   
devilishly.sweet: Thanks for reviewing and for your comments. I hope you keep reading and that I can meet your expectations with how the story shapes up. ^^;;   
Kleptomaniac Can Opener: Thanks for reviewing! I enjoy your work. ^_^ Yep, I know I'm not accepting anonymous reviews. I feel more comfortable that way. ^^;;   
tati1: Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. ^_^ 


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